„I have been suffering from this word for 30 years.
I was deeply hurt by the femininity that men want, I felt pressured by the femininity shared by women, I felt anxiety and anger at the femininity created by society.
I still don't understand the meaning of the word, but what I can absolutely say is that it means to enjoy your life with your own body. Women should be given all freedom. We should not suffer from social or religious obligations or responsibilities.
You can get angry, you can cry, you can choose and act. You don't have to be strong, delicate or neither.
I think it is important to love yourself honestly while facing changes in your body and mind. Stop limiting yourself as a woman!
Instead, we can enjoy the elegance and the richness of the love that we can create as women.
That is my femininity.“
(CHOCO)
Femininities*
This is a group project with Bettina Bichsel, journalist, Swantje Lüthge, midwife, Saskia Baumgart, artist, and myself as the photographer. We thank all the women for sharing their stories with us. For their courage and inspiration.
I was always looking for someone to love my body. But when I had sex, I was very embarrassed to see my chest. I wasn’t really confident in my body and gender. And then I spent a lot of money for makeup, jewellery and fashion, but I was very tired, very lonely. I lost myself. The femininity I created was idealised by the eyes of men. When I realised that, I couldn’t feel the joy of being feminine.
I still don’t have a chest, it’s flat. But now I think this body is very special and beautiful.
(CHOCO)
I remember I talked to my teacher at the school, at high school. I said: What about if we just drive bicycles to school? And she said: ‘Ah, no, what are you thinking? It’s not nice if women drive bicycles.’ But I just did, I just talked to my friends, and in the end we were three girls. We always drove to school with the bicycles. But I remember: Our teachers or even people in the street didn’t like it. But we also had some people who supported us. And in the end, I saw more students do this. And that was for me… I felt like I won. Because if I can change something for other people, than I know that it was not for nothing.
(MARYAM)
You know, you have to be a tall, slender woman, sprawled on a couch, with a half-open mouth and half-closed eyes—that’s what eroticism looks like. And if YOU don’t look like that in bed, then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
That’s exactly what I want to say: It doesn’t have to be that way. If there’s any passion, sexual energy, preference, or fetish, just go for it! No matter how you look."
For me, femininity is when a woman feels comfortable as a woman. Strength, endurance, being able to withstand things, not always putting oneself first, and sometimes letting something else take priority.
(DEE)
I love being a grandmother and being like this. You know, I get on the camera with them and they’re like: ‘Let me see your muscles. I wanna be like my strong grandma.’ And I love that. That a boy is saying that. And I love my granddaughters. They’re like: ‘Look, grandma. I can do push-ups.’ And I’m like: ‘Yeah!’ You know, I’m teaching the girls that you can be strong. So it’s impacting me in a way that I hope that I can implant that seed into my young grandchildren so that they don’t have to grow up with these stereotypes or these gender boxes that we put ourselves in. That if you’re female you have to wear pink. And if you’re a boy then you have to wear blue and you have to be strong and you can’t cry. I like to think that I have the best of both worlds.
(TISCHA)
After the abuse, I restricted myself in my femininity because I hated myself and blamed my femininity for what happened. I rejected and devalued men and in a way, hated them. But that came from within me, from that injury. When I healed my trauma, I understood that I could let go of that and create a positive connection with my gender and my heart. I healed myself so I could be open again. Today, I am doing well, I am positive, and I receive positivity as well. I have accepted my vulnerability and have gone through healing and becoming aware.
(TABEA)
How does that fit together? How do my views on what society should look like and how women should be treated in a society align with my super submissive sexuality? How does that work?
And it works very well. Because when I pursue my desires and what brings me pleasure, and when I allow a person—a partner—to humiliate me because it brings me pleasure, because I want it; that is a very free decision. Being able to make that decision is an incredible privilege. And it’s also, in a way, a feminist idea.
(DEE)
People who criticized me by saying, "You’re too old for this or that. You’re not allowed to do that."
Especially, "You’re not allowed to do that."
"Well, why am I not allowed to do that?" "Because you’re a woman!" That’s what propelled me forward. I have achieved everything I planned. Everything I dreamed of, I have accomplished.
(ELENA)
And then I told myself: "Okay, today you’re going to try it, you’re going to step outside in broad daylight and show who you really are." I pushed aside the fear of not being accepted, of being seen as I truly am, and said: "It doesn’t matter, nothing can happen to you here. What could happen? The weather is nice, be yourself and enjoy the day!" And it was an incredible liberation that I was either greeted with friendly smiles or not noticed at all. There were only positive reactions, and the rest didn’t even see who had just walked past them—on cobblestones, in high heels. Completely crazy, but it had to be done.
(CLAIRE)
All my life, I haven't made a distinction: I've dressed and acted based on how I feel, without conforming to any gender roles. Of course, this has been heavily influenced from the outside, because I would often hear: 'Eww, you're behaving like a girl. You ARE a girl.' But that didn't deter me. On the contrary, I quickly adopted an anti-attitude and doubled down. The nail polish had to be more noticeable, the nails longer, the hair longer. So, I immersed myself deeply into my femininity."
(SASCHA)
When I dance, everything changes. Especially when it's flamenco, it naturally changes with life phases as well. When you've experienced suffering, you express yourself differently. The intention is different, and so is the interpretation. You look more inward. That's feminine too, this looking inward and then bringing it outward. It's not just doing anymore, it's not just the process (you're so immersed, you do, you act, you take, you collect). But then you look much more within yourself: What do I actually have there? And then I control that and ask myself: What do I want to show outwardly now? What's important to me and what isn't anymore? It just becomes more conscious.
A child always keeps femininity in front of your eyes. It's like Mother Earth, nurturing, growing, producing. What remains and is simply unconditional.
(MARIPOSA)
My femininity has changed or developed through my social work. Since I have worked and been active in the migrant and feminist sectors, it has naturally influenced me. I have understood, seen, and recognized the gender inequality in society through this. Therefore, this awareness is noticeable in my femininity: It belongs to me, and I would like to show that.
(BERRIN)
Having two elder brothers made me want to express myself as a woman more. With really over the top weird-coloured, crazy clothing, and sparkles and lots of flowers and lace. I just loved like all these kinds of classic feminine things. But I think how that sort of altered as I… My understanding and perception of femininity just became a lot broader. I think I saw the world or the things in the world as being more feminine in general. And that it’s much more than just trying to express yourself through the clothing you wear or the way that you walk, but also just like through the way of being in the world.
(JINDALEE)
When certain people look at you strangely or even in a sexual way, you tend to retract and try to hide your femininity because you don't want to be looked at like that. And that's just a huge fundamental problem in society because femininity is often misunderstood. Girls growing up, they don't really know what femininity means. Equally important is for boys to learn or understand what femininity truly means. And I think that's a fundamental issue why many women - even though they dress femininely - don't feel feminine at all.
(RINA)
Everything is possible, nothing is necessary. Nowadays, basically anything goes, you just have to want it. It might have been different in the past. When I wanted to train as an automotive mechanic in a small workshop in 1996, it wasn't possible because the hygiene regulations simply weren't met. They would have had to install a female toilet, a female shower, a female changing room, so that I could do my apprenticeship there. And now you can join the military, become an automotive mechanic or mechatronics technician. Every profession is open to all genders.
(CLAUDIA)
„I have been suffering from this word for 30 years.
I was deeply hurt by the femininity that men want, I felt pressured by the femininity shared by women, I felt anxiety and anger at the femininity created by society.
I still don't understand the meaning of the word, but what I can absolutely say is that it means to enjoy your life with your own body. Women should be given all freedom. We should not suffer from social or religious obligations or responsibilities.
You can get angry, you can cry, you can choose and act. You don't have to be strong, delicate or neither.
I think it is important to love yourself honestly while facing changes in your body and mind. Stop limiting yourself as a woman!
Instead, we can enjoy the elegance and the richness of the love that we can create as women.
That is my femininity.“
(CHOCO)
Femininities*
This is a group project with Bettina Bichsel, journalist, Swantje Lüthge, midwife, Saskia Baumgart, artist, and myself as the photographer. We thank all the women for sharing their stories with us. For their courage and inspiration.
I was always looking for someone to love my body. But when I had sex, I was very embarrassed to see my chest. I wasn’t really confident in my body and gender. And then I spent a lot of money for makeup, jewellery and fashion, but I was very tired, very lonely. I lost myself. The femininity I created was idealised by the eyes of men. When I realised that, I couldn’t feel the joy of being feminine.
I still don’t have a chest, it’s flat. But now I think this body is very special and beautiful.
(CHOCO)
I remember I talked to my teacher at the school, at high school. I said: What about if we just drive bicycles to school? And she said: ‘Ah, no, what are you thinking? It’s not nice if women drive bicycles.’ But I just did, I just talked to my friends, and in the end we were three girls. We always drove to school with the bicycles. But I remember: Our teachers or even people in the street didn’t like it. But we also had some people who supported us. And in the end, I saw more students do this. And that was for me… I felt like I won. Because if I can change something for other people, than I know that it was not for nothing.
(MARYAM)
You know, you have to be a tall, slender woman, sprawled on a couch, with a half-open mouth and half-closed eyes—that’s what eroticism looks like. And if YOU don’t look like that in bed, then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
That’s exactly what I want to say: It doesn’t have to be that way. If there’s any passion, sexual energy, preference, or fetish, just go for it! No matter how you look."
For me, femininity is when a woman feels comfortable as a woman. Strength, endurance, being able to withstand things, not always putting oneself first, and sometimes letting something else take priority.
(DEE)
I love being a grandmother and being like this. You know, I get on the camera with them and they’re like: ‘Let me see your muscles. I wanna be like my strong grandma.’ And I love that. That a boy is saying that. And I love my granddaughters. They’re like: ‘Look, grandma. I can do push-ups.’ And I’m like: ‘Yeah!’ You know, I’m teaching the girls that you can be strong. So it’s impacting me in a way that I hope that I can implant that seed into my young grandchildren so that they don’t have to grow up with these stereotypes or these gender boxes that we put ourselves in. That if you’re female you have to wear pink. And if you’re a boy then you have to wear blue and you have to be strong and you can’t cry. I like to think that I have the best of both worlds.
(TISCHA)
How does that fit together? How do my views on what society should look like and how women should be treated in a society align with my super submissive sexuality? How does that work?
And it works very well. Because when I pursue my desires and what brings me pleasure, and when I allow a person—a partner—to humiliate me because it brings me pleasure, because I want it; that is a very free decision. Being able to make that decision is an incredible privilege. And it’s also, in a way, a feminist idea.
(DEE)
People who criticized me by saying, "You’re too old for this or that. You’re not allowed to do that."
Especially, "You’re not allowed to do that."
"Well, why am I not allowed to do that?" "Because you’re a woman!" That’s what propelled me forward. I have achieved everything I planned. Everything I dreamed of, I have accomplished.
(ELENA)
And then I told myself: "Okay, today you’re going to try it, you’re going to step outside in broad daylight and show who you really are." I pushed aside the fear of not being accepted, of being seen as I truly am, and said: "It doesn’t matter, nothing can happen to you here. What could happen? The weather is nice, be yourself and enjoy the day!" And it was an incredible liberation that I was either greeted with friendly smiles or not noticed at all. There were only positive reactions, and the rest didn’t even see who had just walked past them—on cobblestones, in high heels. Completely crazy, but it had to be done.
(CLAIRE)
After the abuse, I restricted myself in my femininity because I hated myself and blamed my femininity for what happened. I rejected and devalued men and in a way, hated them. But that came from within me, from that injury. When I healed my trauma, I understood that I could let go of that and create a positive connection with my gender and my heart. I healed myself so I could be open again. Today, I am doing well, I am positive, and I receive positivity as well. I have accepted my vulnerability and have gone through healing and becoming aware.
(TABEA)
All my life, I haven't made a distinction: I've dressed and acted based on how I feel, without conforming to any gender roles. Of course, this has been heavily influenced from the outside, because I would often hear: 'Eww, you're behaving like a girl. You ARE a girl.' But that didn't deter me. On the contrary, I quickly adopted an anti-attitude and doubled down. The nail polish had to be more noticeable, the nails longer, the hair longer. So, I immersed myself deeply into my femininity."
(SASCHA)
When I dance, everything changes. Especially when it's flamenco, it naturally changes with life phases as well. When you've experienced suffering, you express yourself differently. The intention is different, and so is the interpretation. You look more inward. That's feminine too, this looking inward and then bringing it outward. It's not just doing anymore, it's not just the process (you're so immersed, you do, you act, you take, you collect). But then you look much more within yourself: What do I actually have there? And then I control that and ask myself: What do I want to show outwardly now? What's important to me and what isn't anymore? It just becomes more conscious.
A child always keeps femininity in front of your eyes. It's like Mother Earth, nurturing, growing, producing. What remains and is simply unconditional.
(MARIPOSA)
My femininity has changed or developed through my social work. Since I have worked and been active in the migrant and feminist sectors, it has naturally influenced me. I have understood, seen, and recognized the gender inequality in society through this. Therefore, this awareness is noticeable in my femininity: It belongs to me, and I would like to show that.
(BERRIN)
Having two elder brothers made me want to express myself as a woman more. With really over the top weird-coloured, crazy clothing, and sparkles and lots of flowers and lace. I just loved like all these kinds of classic feminine things. But I think how that sort of altered as I… My understanding and perception of femininity just became a lot broader. I think I saw the world or the things in the world as being more feminine in general. And that it’s much more than just trying to express yourself through the clothing you wear or the way that you walk, but also just like through the way of being in the world.
(JINDALEE)
When certain people look at you strangely or even in a sexual way, you tend to retract and try to hide your femininity because you don't want to be looked at like that. And that's just a huge fundamental problem in society because femininity is often misunderstood. Girls growing up, they don't really know what femininity means. Equally important is for boys to learn or understand what femininity truly means. And I think that's a fundamental issue why many women - even though they dress femininely - don't feel feminine at all.
(RINA)
Everything is possible, nothing is necessary. Nowadays, basically anything goes, you just have to want it. It might have been different in the past. When I wanted to train as an automotive mechanic in a small workshop in 1996, it wasn't possible because the hygiene regulations simply weren't met. They would have had to install a female toilet, a female shower, a female changing room, so that I could do my apprenticeship there. And now you can join the military, become an automotive mechanic or mechatronics technician. Every profession is open to all genders.
(CLAUDIA)
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